Tag Archives: Psychology

Gaslighting Didn’t End in 1944

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THE RED FLAGS

Notice the Red Flags

It’s a person you love, a spouse, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a parent, a child. Maybe it’s a sibling, an in-law, an aunt or an uncle. It could be a grandparent, a friend or a co-worker. It could even be your pastor or a community leader.

But something is “off.”

And you just can’t explain it or put your finger on it. Your relationship with them keeps you second-guessing yourself.

You feel confused and disoriented.

Additionally, you feel threatened and on-edge. You may even feel the urge to flee from them. And maybe, you feel like you’re losing “yourself” around them.

You MAY LASH OUT

Sometimes, you might even lash out in ways that are not normal for you. They take your lashing out as a chance to embrace you back into the fold and help you figure out “what’s wrong with you.”

Other times, they may berate you.

Either way, they come across as stable and you seem neurotic.

YOU FEEL ISOLATED.

Maybe, even though they tell you that they’re not trying to separate you from others that you love, you feel like they are. You sense that they want your relationships with others to be on “their” terms.

Gaslighters minimize and/or dismiss your opinions. They have a gift for bursting your bubbles and downplaying your ideas.

What’s more, they want “intimacy,” possibly wanting you to share your “feelings” with them and to know “everything” about you. They want you to be enamored with them and to know that they’re the most important person in your life.

In addition, they might let you know that without them you will never succeed, be complete, live up to your potential, etc.

And you feel like you’re never quite “good enough” around them.

You find yourself apologizing for your preferences or over-explaining yourself.

…If the preceding words resonate with you, then you may be the victim of GASLIGHTING.

BUT WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

The term “gaslight” comes from a play that was made into a movie in 1940 and then again in 1944. The premises of the script is that a psychopathic killer slowly and methodically tries to convince his wife that she is insane so that he can have her committed to a mental institution, inherit her wealth and cover up the fact that she found a letter evidencing his criminal activity.

Click here for a brief clip from the movie. Gaslight (1944)…starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer

According to Psychology Today, “Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.”

ORIGINS OF GASLIGHTERS

Gaslighting is a favorite tool of people with narcissistic traits, narcissistic personality disorder, psychopaths and sociopaths. Of course, not everyone who engages in gaslighting falls into the above categories.

Some people are unaware that they are gaslighters. They may have grown up in a gaslighting family, learning to gaslight and manipulate just like they learned to walk and talk. It comes as natural to these folks as breathing.  Or they may have married into a gaslighting family and allowed it to continue until it became their go-to state of being, which means any children they raise will be reared in a gaslighting environment.

However, OTHERS know exactly what they’re doing.

They may have gaslit their entire lives, getting what they want from people by studying them, recognizing their paths of trajectory then manipulating them with subtle and well-placed words. Gaslighters will applaud themselves for being “honest” and demand “honesty” from you, especially “emotional honesty” but they themselves, while “honest” may actually be quite deceptive, using their emotional “honesty” as another tool in their arsenal.  They can appear to be vulnerable when it’s for the purpose of shaping your emotional reaction in their favor.

THE ORIGINAL GASLILGHTER

Regardless of whether it’s on purpose or a natural extension of their personality, gaslighting is harmful.  In fact, the first incident of gaslighting that I can think of is recorded in Genesis 3:2-4

2And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

Just as the serpent wanted to alter Eve’s perception of reality and make her doubt what God had originally told her, gaslighters  want to alter your perception of reality. Gaslighting is witchcraft in its purest form, attempting to not only manipulate you into doing what the gaslighter wants, but it literally alters the way you view reality. It seeks to subjugate you to domination.”

Even Jesus faced a gaslighter when he was tempted in the wilderness. He’re an account from Luke 4. 

 3And the devil said unto him, If thou be the Son of God, command this stone that it be made bread. 4And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God. 5And the devil, taking him up into an high mountain, shewed unto him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. 6And the devil said unto him, All this power will I give thee, and the glory of them: for that is delivered unto me; and to whomsoever I will I give it. 7If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine.

 

WHAT DO THEY GAIN FROM IT?

According to Shaneen Megji and all the books I’ve recently read on the subject, they do it for the following reasons:

  1. To gain power &/or control. Why? Because, maybe, at some point in their lives, they felt powerless and when they first got that taste of power, it fed them!
  2. Make you dependent upon them.
  3. Isolate you from people who might sway you over to another reality whether that be your family, your church, your friends, etc.

All of them do it because they want to control your thoughts, actions and version of reality for the purpose of reinforcing their own version of reality.

But YOU don’t have to be a victim of gaslighting. Remember, even Jesus called them out and set boundaries with them.  

TACTICS USED BY GASLIGHTERS

Whether intentional or not, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and it leaves a mark on its victims. Here are some tactics that gaslighters use.

Angels of Light

-Gaslighters may often appear to be altruistic to the public. If they are financially able, they may even be philanthropists, giving to be recognized as “good” people. Doing good deeds with no recognition or grandiosity at all does not usually appeal to them. It’s possible that a gaslighter may be a prominent citizen and be “adored” by the public. They may come across as charming, polite, respectful, and fun. Whatever the case, they present one face to the world and when their victims try to speak out, no one believes them.

Masking-

-Gaslighters often wear a mask of confidence or even compassion (it’s fake compassion) to make you realize that you’ve go it all wrong or that they simply have “your best interest at heart.” They know what’s best for you. You might end up apologizing, admiring them and doubting your own grip on reality. They want you to trust them and follow their lead on all the “big” things in life, but guess who decides what’s a “big” thing?

Gathering Intel.

Gaslighters want to know what makes you tick. They intuitively feel the urge to find out as much as they can about you emotionally and psychologically. These folks want to know what pleases you physically, emotionally and mentally. They may need this for future ammunition.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT.                                                                                                       

The gaslighter will sometimes get you off track by posing a question to you or simply changing the subject and getting you off track. He or she may even bring up another subject accusing you of something and turning the tables so that you are the attacker, and they appear to be the victim! They may convince you that you have a problem. Maybe a personality disorder or they might even convince you that you’re a covert narcissist or that you have an anxiety disorder, an attachment style disorder or any number of things.

Minimizing.

Gaslighters may brush your insights, ideas and concerns off as insignificant, which leaves you feeling foolish for bringing them up in the first place. It’s not uncommon for them to ignore your boundaries or pretend that you weren’t plain when you set them. They may even tell you to set boundaries and want you to enforce them with others but when you try to enforce them with the gaslighter, he or she will explain them away. Often a gaslighter will sweep your emotions under the rug or say that you aren’t really feeling what you say you’re feeling or that you never said what you claim to have said.

Denial, twisting, dismissing and reframing.

Gaslighters will subtly (the better they are at it, the more subtle their twisting) twist and reframe whatever is said or done into their favor, often painting themselves as the victim and you as the toxic person. They will usually steer a conversation in their favor and if they do own up to anything, it’s only to get you to trust them and confide in them even more. When this is compared with fake empathy or fake compassion, it can make you feel as if you’re being irrational, and you may begin to question your own emotional or mental stability.

ESCAPE FROM A GASLIGHTER

Recognize the warning signs.

 If you’re experiencing the things discussed in this article, take heed. Gaslighters don’t get better. The pit they put you in just gets deeper.

Listen to your gut.

If you have a feeling that something is “off” in a relationship, even if you can’t explain it, and you probably won’t be able to, don’t ignore it.

Trust your own powers of observation and intellect.

Don’t let anyone discredit you or make you feel inferior. Your ideas and observations are valid.

Confide in an objective friend.

Find someone who doesn’t have a proverbial dog in the fight. Someone like a counselor, a family member, a pastor, a friend, someone you can trust who will help you see more clearly, or better yet….

Gather a team.

Depending on the nature of the relationship (is it a coworker? friend? spouse?   etc.) and the perpetual proximity to the gaslighter (do you live with them or simply have to encounter them occassionally?) chances are you will need help getting free of their influence. So, finding a core group of   supporters is important.

Take notes. 

Seriously, document conversations, but don’t let them know you’re doing it. Then show the documentation to that trusted person or group of people you are confiding in to verify your observations. Don’t confront your gaslighter.

Guard your heart and limit emotional access.

In her book Good Boundaries and Good-byes, Lysa Terkurst  speaks of limiting access to people who perpetually cross your boundaries. It’s okay NOT to share your innermost feelings with them. The gaslighter needs to know that he or she is getting under your skin. That’s why they gather intel on you.

Lead them down a false trail.

I know that sounds manipulative but if your gaslighter thinks they have your number, yet they’re a mile off track, it gives you time to gather your wits and fortify your emotional forces.

Get help from a therapist.

This will help you know you’re not insane. You’re not imagining things.

Escape or at least limit exposure.

If you leave a relationship, break contact and don’t give in to love bombing or hoovering. (To learn more about this check out Dr. Ramini’s video channel, referenced below), whenever possible, GET OUT of the relationship as fast as you can.

LET FREEDOM REIGN
When you break free from their grip you will at first feel a tremendous relief.  Then comes the looking over your shoulder, always afraid they’re going to show up and reel you back in.
So, even though you’re physically free, their words will haunt your mind. Therefore, you will continue to need your support group, your therapist, your friends, your family. You have been on a roller coaster ride of emotional and mental trauma. Realize that healing takes time, and you have to allow yourself to heal.
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Here are the references I used in this post, and I recommend these books and sights for anyone struggling to set and maintain boundaries with a gaslighter.
Personal Development School (I took some attachment style courses)

The Secret of Educating

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My friend, Pam, knew the secret of educating. She used to speak of educating the “whole” child.

She was one of those teachers that took kids out to play no matter the weather, so they could get fresh air in their lungs. She took them on field trips and stopped at nice restaurants where they had to go in, sit down and order from a menu, because some of them had never had that experience. She wanted them to experience culture.

She exposed them to plays and songs from around the world. She had them participate in the Hefer Project at Christmas rather than exchanging gifts, because she wanted them to experience the joy of changing a life rather than simply receiving another gift.

Soft-spoken and intellectually gifted, Pam was unconventional and always, above all else, an advocate for her students. She went toe-to-toe with superintendents, board members, policy makers, lazy co-workers, and anyone else who wanted to put their government policy, personal agenda, pocketbook, comfort or ideas above the welfare of her students.

Pam understood the secret of educating, one to which many people are oblivious.

So, What IS the Secret to Educating?

A person is a tri-part being and each part is made up of multiple systems. To truly educate a child, you have to address the needs of their body, soul and spirit.

A human being is like my three-legged Art easel. If I don’t stabilize all the legs, the whole thing falls over. I give the legs that stabilize a person the following names; they are body, soul and spirit.

Leg 1: The Body

Exercise helps a child’s mind to grow.

The body is the physical vehicle that carries us from place to place in this world. It requires nutrition, exercise and rest. It is made up of many systems, parts and organs.

Without proper rest, nutrition and exercise, it lags and malfunctions. If a child is hungry, it’s hard to learn. If a child is being beaten at home, it’s hard to care about Math at school. If a child is sick and in pain, it’s hard to pay attention during Reading group time.

So, children need to be fed nutritious meals. They need to go outside, to run, walk, climb and play–everyday. They need to go to sleep at about the same time each night, without an iPad, iPhone, television or computer readily available. I can’t count the kids I’ve had through the years who couldn’t stay awake at school because they had a television in their room and watched TV all night! The light from electronic devices can hinder sleep, ESPECIALLY IN CHILDREN!

Leg 2: The Soul

Music Helps the Soul to Grow

The soul, like the body, is comprised of numerous parts and systems. I will focus on three: the minds, personalities, and emotions. Without going into lengthy detail at present, suffice it to say that the soul is created by the union between body and spirit. It is our sense of self in this world.

Like the body, the soul must receive food, exercise and adequate rest. Food comes in the form of emotional validation, mental stimulation and personal inspiration.

The mind needs problems to solve, things to figure out. It needs challenges that it can work through and overcome. However, a continuous onslaught of taxing, stressful problems can become emotionally overwhelming. There needs to be some stability in a child’s life.

A long stream of school activities that ignore the child’s background, belittles or slights their cultures, etc., sends the child a subconscious message that they don’t matter as much. Growing up as a child from a socio-economic challenged family myself, I know from first hand experience that when the teacher always calls on affluent children to run errands, pass out papers, empty the pencil sharpener, fill the teacher’s coke machine, etc., that it sends a message to the “poorer” kids that they just aren’t quite as “good as” and aren’t as deserving. No teacher that I know of does this on purpose yet I know that it is done, because I experienced it. There has to be some stability in a child’s life. A child’s life structure doesn’t have to be strict, simply consistent and reliable.

King Solomon once said to train up a child in the way he/she should go and when he/she is old they will not depart from it. In the original Hebrew that denotes something more akin to “teach a child in the way that he or she is naturally bent, nurture their natural gifts and talents….” So often we try to fit every child into the same mold, ignoring the differences in cognitive inclinations and preferences.

This is where cognitive personality types come into play. We can not teach all children like cookie cutters. We can’t just teach to the children whose personalities click with our own. It’s WELL WORTH studying cognitive mind types. If we understand that the little girl whose mind is so far out that she gets lost on her way to the bathroom is an INFP, we might discover a way to help her with Math. If we understand that the drama queen is an ENFP, then we might realize that drama is a fundamental key to helping her with her Science.

This can also go into the emotional realm of the soul, as well. If we understand that Tommy is an INTP, then we might help him through the bullying issues that he’s facing. Who knows? We might prevent a future catastrophe by reaching out to the whole child. In my opinion, if we work in education or counseling, in ANY capacity, it behooves us to understand (at least on a rudimentary level) a little bit about cognitive personality types, not in a way that tries to fit people into a job mold, but in a way that helps us understand how they might perceive and process knowledge, emotions and events. I personally believe that the Jungian Cognitive Processes and the Theory of Multiple Intelligences are excellent, as is Cynthia Tobias’s The Way They Learn.

Emotions are a part of the SOUL of a person. Children who are emotionally distraught of stressful situations at home will be hampered in their learning. When kids are constantly belittled by parents, relatives or other children their learning is hampered. Emotional and verbal abuse can be crippling in a child’s mental and psychological development.

A kid who just saw his dog hit by a car may need time to rebound. The kid whose parents are going through a divorce may be hurt and angry, the kid with the baby sister in a wheelchair, the one whose brother was burned in a fire, the one who was just kicked out of his house or taken away and put into foster care. The list goes on.

The Spirit

The Spirit is that Part of us that is Eternal.

Let me first make a disclaimer, realizing that this may not resonate with some people. The spirit, to me, is very real. It is that part of us that is not bound to time and space, that transcends the physical and exists after our bodies expire. I’m not alone in my belief that there is a part of us that is eternal, that has always been and shall always be. Billions have in the past and currently believe in a spirit realm, in life after death and that we do not end when our bodies expire. The Spirit is the life-giving force that animates a body and carries with it, after exiting this temporal existence, all the experiences gained through the body and soul, but with full knowledge and understanding. The spirit is that eternal part of us that transcends time and space. So, how do you educate a spirit?

  1. Be fair–equity does not equate to equality. Do what each child needs, not just what fits across the board.
  2. Be kind–even when you discipline, let there be kindness in your heart and in your voice. Children listen to your tone far more than to your words. They may forget what you say, what you do, but they NEVER forget the way you make them feel about themselves. When I ask people which teachers they remember they always mention the ones who made them feel happy and loved.
  3. Be forgiving–if a child makes a mistake today, don’t remind them of it tomorrow. Don’t keep hanging it over their heads until they feel they are “bad” kids.
  4. Be merciful–realize that human beings, especially kids, make lots of mistakes. They misunderstand lots of things. They are not tiny adults. That’s why they need you.
  5. Be understanding and empathetic–and listen to them when they talk to you! One of my co-workers is so loved by her students, not because she’s the best Math or Reading teacher, but because she LISTENS to them.
  6. Be joyful–young spirits pick up on your joy and if it’s there, they know. If it’s not, they know.  A seventh grader recently asked me why so many people become teachers who apparently don’t even like kids. I told him I’d been asking myself that for decades now! Trust me. KIDS KNOW WHEN YOU ENJOY BEING WITH THEM AND WHEN YOU DON’T.
  7. Be encouraging–never put a child down, not even in teasing. Find something positive about every child and highlight it.  When a child does a good job, even on a small thing, let them know.
  8. Be loving–which means allow them to know you appreciate them, you value you them. I know one educator who calls all of her students, Friend. I know another who uses the term, Wonderful Ones, with her class.
  9. Be honest–if a child asks you a question, phrase it so that it’s on their level but tell them the truth.
  10. Choose to discipline, not punish. Discipline is a form of love. Notice I said discipline, not punish. There’s a huge difference. Discipline speaks to the spirit and seeks to empower a student to be the best version of himself or herself. Punishment wearies the soul and wounds the spirit; it causes a child to feel like they are a “bad” kid.

If we want our children to grow up to be all they can be, then we must learn the secret to educating and that secret is to recognize and teach the WHOLE child–body, soul (intellect, personality and emotions) and spirit (that eternal part that responds to the laws of the spiritual universe–empathy, compassion, forgiveness, joy, love, patience and mercy.)

*Darlene Franklin-Campbell holds a Masters in Education and is a veteran teacher of over twenty years. She is currently an Art teacher but has taught self-contained multi-age classrooms, Latin and Spanish to fifth through eight grades, self-contained third grade and fourth grade, self-contained first grade, music and creative writing. She has worked both in private and public education, speaks three languages, has served as an English Language Learner liaison, a translator, a site-based council minority representative, and is involved heavily in Indigenous cultures of North America, working to preserve languages and customs. Darlene has spent countless hours researching cognitive development and preferences. She has been previously certified through the Association of Christian Schools International and is currently certified through the Kentucky Department of Education.