spirituality

Gaslighting Didn’t End in 1944

/ Darlene Franklin-Campbell / 2 Comments

THE RED FLAGS

Red Flags

Notice the Red Flags

It’s a person you love, a spouse, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a parent, a child. Maybe it’s a sibling, an in-law, an aunt or an uncle. It could be a grandparent, a friend or a co-worker. It could even be your pastor or a community leader.

But something is “off.”

And you just can’t explain it or put your finger on it. Your relationship with them keeps you second-guessing yourself.

You feel confused and disoriented.

Additionally, you feel threatened and on-edge. You may even feel the urge to flee from them. And maybe, you feel like you’re losing “yourself” around them.

You MAY LASH OUT

Sometimes, you might even lash out in ways that are not normal for you. They take your lashing out as a chance to embrace you back into the fold and help you figure out “what’s wrong with you.”

Other times, they may berate you.

Either way, they come across as stable and you seem neurotic.

YOU FEEL ISOLATED.

Maybe, even though they tell you that they’re not trying to separate you from others that you love, you feel like they are. You sense that they want your relationships with others to be on “their” terms.

Gaslighters minimize and/or dismiss your opinions. They have a gift for bursting your bubbles and downplaying your ideas.

What’s more, they want “intimacy,” possibly wanting you to share your “feelings” with them and to know “everything” about you. They want you to be enamored with them and to know that they’re the most important person in your life.

In addition, they might let you know that without them you will never succeed, be complete, live up to your potential, etc.

And you feel like you’re never quite “good enough” around them.

You find yourself apologizing for your preferences or over-explaining yourself.

…If the preceding words resonate with you, then you may be the victim of GASLIGHTING.

BUT WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

Gas Light

The term “gaslight” comes from a play that was made into a movie in 1940 and then again in 1944. The premises of the script is that a psychopathic killer slowly and methodically tries to convince his wife that she is insane so that he can have her committed to a mental institution, inherit her wealth and cover up the fact that she found a letter evidencing his criminal activity.

Click here for a brief clip from the movie. Gaslight (1944)…starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer

According to Psychology Today, “Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.”

ORIGINS OF GASLIGHTERS

Gaslighting is a favorite tool of people with narcissistic traits, narcissistic personality disorder, psychopaths and sociopaths. Of course, not everyone who engages in gaslighting falls into the above categories.

Some people are unaware that they are gaslighters. They may have grown up in a gaslighting family, learning to gaslight and manipulate just like they learned to walk and talk. It comes as natural to these folks as breathing.  Or they may have married into a gaslighting family and allowed it to continue until it became their go-to state of being, which means any children they raise will be reared in a gaslighting environment.

However, OTHERS know exactly what they’re doing.

They may have gaslit their entire lives, getting what they want from people by studying them, recognizing their paths of trajectory then manipulating them with subtle and well-placed words. Gaslighters will applaud themselves for being “honest” and demand “honesty” from you, especially “emotional honesty” but they themselves, while “honest” may actually be quite deceptive, using their emotional “honesty” as another tool in their arsenal.  They can appear to be vulnerable when it’s for the purpose of shaping your emotional reaction in their favor.

THE ORIGINAL GASLILGHTER

Regardless of whether it’s on purpose or a natural extension of their personality, gaslighting is harmful.  In fact, the first incident of gaslighting that I can think of is recorded in Genesis 3:2-4

2And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

Just as the serpent wanted to alter Eve’s perception of reality and make her doubt what God had originally told her, gaslighters  want to alter your perception of reality. Gaslighting is witchcraft in its purest form, attempting to not only manipulate you into doing what the gaslighter wants, but it literally alters the way you view reality. It seeks to subjugate you to domination.”

Even Jesus faced a gaslighter when he was tempted in the wilderness. He’re an account from Luke 4. 

 3And the devil said unto him, If thou be the Son of God, command this stone that it be made bread. 4And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God. 5And the devil, taking him up into an high mountain, shewed unto him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. 6And the devil said unto him, All this power will I give thee, and the glory of them: for that is delivered unto me; and to whomsoever I will I give it. 7If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine.

 

WHAT DO THEY GAIN FROM IT?

According to Shaneen Megji and all the books I’ve recently read on the subject, they do it for the following reasons:

  1. To gain power &/or control. Why? Because, maybe, at some point in their lives, they felt powerless and when they first got that taste of power, it fed them!
  2. Make you dependent upon them.
  3. Isolate you from people who might sway you over to another reality whether that be your family, your church, your friends, etc.

All of them do it because they want to control your thoughts, actions and version of reality for the purpose of reinforcing their own version of reality.

But YOU don’t have to be a victim of gaslighting. Remember, even Jesus called them out and set boundaries with them.  

TACTICS USED BY GASLIGHTERS

Whether intentional or not, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and it leaves a mark on its victims. Here are some tactics that gaslighters use.

Angels of Light

-Gaslighters may often appear to be altruistic to the public. If they are financially able, they may even be philanthropists, giving to be recognized as “good” people. Doing good deeds with no recognition or grandiosity at all does not usually appeal to them. It’s possible that a gaslighter may be a prominent citizen and be “adored” by the public. They may come across as charming, polite, respectful, and fun. Whatever the case, they present one face to the world and when their victims try to speak out, no one believes them.

Masking-

-Gaslighters often wear a mask of confidence or even compassion (it’s fake compassion) to make you realize that you’ve go it all wrong or that they simply have “your best interest at heart.” They know what’s best for you. You might end up apologizing, admiring them and doubting your own grip on reality. They want you to trust them and follow their lead on all the “big” things in life, but guess who decides what’s a “big” thing?

Gathering Intel.

Gaslighters want to know what makes you tick. They intuitively feel the urge to find out as much as they can about you emotionally and psychologically. These folks want to know what pleases you physically, emotionally and mentally. They may need this for future ammunition.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT.                                                                                                       

The gaslighter will sometimes get you off track by posing a question to you or simply changing the subject and getting you off track. He or she may even bring up another subject accusing you of something and turning the tables so that you are the attacker, and they appear to be the victim! They may convince you that you have a problem. Maybe a personality disorder or they might even convince you that you’re a covert narcissist or that you have an anxiety disorder, an attachment style disorder or any number of things.

Minimizing.

Gaslighters may brush your insights, ideas and concerns off as insignificant, which leaves you feeling foolish for bringing them up in the first place. It’s not uncommon for them to ignore your boundaries or pretend that you weren’t plain when you set them. They may even tell you to set boundaries and want you to enforce them with others but when you try to enforce them with the gaslighter, he or she will explain them away. Often a gaslighter will sweep your emotions under the rug or say that you aren’t really feeling what you say you’re feeling or that you never said what you claim to have said.

Denial, twisting, dismissing and reframing.

Gaslighters will subtly (the better they are at it, the more subtle their twisting) twist and reframe whatever is said or done into their favor, often painting themselves as the victim and you as the toxic person. They will usually steer a conversation in their favor and if they do own up to anything, it’s only to get you to trust them and confide in them even more. When this is compared with fake empathy or fake compassion, it can make you feel as if you’re being irrational, and you may begin to question your own emotional or mental stability.

ESCAPE FROM A GASLIGHTER

Recognize the warning signs.

 If you’re experiencing the things discussed in this article, take heed. Gaslighters don’t get better. The pit they put you in just gets deeper.

Listen to your gut.

If you have a feeling that something is “off” in a relationship, even if you can’t explain it, and you probably won’t be able to, don’t ignore it.

Trust your own powers of observation and intellect.

Don’t let anyone discredit you or make you feel inferior. Your ideas and observations are valid.

Confide in an objective friend.

Find someone who doesn’t have a proverbial dog in the fight. Someone like a counselor, a family member, a pastor, a friend, someone you can trust who will help you see more clearly, or better yet….

Gather a team.

Depending on the nature of the relationship (is it a coworker? friend? spouse?   etc.) and the perpetual proximity to the gaslighter (do you live with them or simply have to encounter them occassionally?) chances are you will need help getting free of their influence. So, finding a core group of   supporters is important.

Take notes. 

Seriously, document conversations, but don’t let them know you’re doing it. Then show the documentation to that trusted person or group of people you are confiding in to verify your observations. Don’t confront your gaslighter.

Guard your heart and limit emotional access.

In her book Good Boundaries and Good-byes, Lysa Terkurst  speaks of limiting access to people who perpetually cross your boundaries. It’s okay NOT to share your innermost feelings with them. The gaslighter needs to know that he or she is getting under your skin. That’s why they gather intel on you.

Lead them down a false trail.

I know that sounds manipulative but if your gaslighter thinks they have your number, yet they’re a mile off track, it gives you time to gather your wits and fortify your emotional forces.

Get help from a therapist.

This will help you know you’re not insane. You’re not imagining things.

Escape or at least limit exposure.

If you leave a relationship, break contact and don’t give in to love bombing or hoovering. (To learn more about this check out Dr. Ramini’s video channel, referenced below), whenever possible, GET OUT of the relationship as fast as you can.

LET FREEDOM REIGN
When you break free from their grip you will at first feel a tremendous relief.  Then comes the looking over your shoulder, always afraid they’re going to show up and reel you back in.
So, even though you’re physically free, their words will haunt your mind. Therefore, you will continue to need your support group, your therapist, your friends, your family. You have been on a roller coaster ride of emotional and mental trauma. Realize that healing takes time, and you have to allow yourself to heal.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Here are the references I used in this post, and I recommend these books and sights for anyone struggling to set and maintain boundaries with a gaslighter.
Personal Development School (I took some attachment style courses)

That Quickening Moment: Part I

/ Darlene Franklin-Campbell / Leave a comment

 

To Quicken Means to Bring to Life

To Quicken Means to Animate, to Bring to Life

The Quickening

I’m sitting here early on a Sunday morning, sipping coffee at the kitchen table, listening to two of my favorite sounds, the clicking clock and the humming fridge. Outside it’s been drizzling rain. I take pleasure in slow rain. It brings me a sense of calm, like the ticking clock and humming fridge.

I think about my life and smile. Lately, I’ve experienced a life-altering moment of profound clarity. Every action that I’ve taken in the days since then have been because of that life-altering moment, a moment that changed my entire outlook on myself and on my life. I call this moment, the Quickening.

I take the word quickening from Romans 8:11 where the apostle, Paul, uses the Greek word, zoopoieo (quickening) to refer to the way the spirit of God makes a person “alive.” So, to quicken something is to make it fully alive. 

The last time that happened, I was thirteen. Can a person have more than one life-altering moment, more than one moment of coming to life, more than one awakening? more than one quickening?

I believe they can. 

A quickening moment is best described as an awakening. We all wake up every day in the natural, so too, we can re-awaken in the spiritual sense. We may need to re-awaken because we allowed ourselves to be lulled to sleep.

Some people wake up in an instant and spring into their day. Others wake up slowly and go through a morning ritual of sorts before they’re truly alert. Well, spiritually, it’s the same way. However, it happens for you, a quickening moment is a spiritual awakening that shifts the entire meaning of your life and outlook on everything and everyone. It’s a moment when you wake up and are “born again.”

TWO REALITIES

Pink Clouds

There are Two Realities

There are two realms of existence.

We will call one realm the physical realm and the other realm the spiritual realm, (Kingdom (realm) of God (Supreme Magistrate, Divinity). We could even say that there is God’s reality and physical reality.

The spiritual realm has no starting point and no stopping point. The laws of physics do not apply to this realm. They apply to physical reality. The physical reality is inferior to the spiritual reality in that it is temporary and subject to the laws of thermodynamics.

The laws of the spirit realm operate on principles of a particular kind of energy and that energy is the creative force behind all that exists in the physical realm.

That energy is God, love, the source of all.

The physical realm is like parentheses in eternity. The beginning and ending parentheses are time. Or we could think of the physical realm as a bubble floating in the vast expanse of the spirit realm. The spirit realm is so much more expansive that everything inside the bubble is minute in comparison.

Now beings from the spiritual realm can take on a carnal, physical form and enter the physical realm for a time. While they’re there they experience what it means to be finite, to have a beginning and an ending.

So often these beings come into the physical realm and experience trauma, hardship, and pain, because they forget who they are and, just like Adam and Eve in the garden, they believe a temporal lie that enslaves them while they’re here.

ONE SPECIAL BEING

However, there was one particularly unique being from the spirit realm who came with all of his memories and awareness of his true origins still intact. This being defied the laws of physics at every turn, starting with his birth. He was born to a virgin. He walked on water. He raised the dead, healed the sick and confounded the most brilliant and highly educated minds of his day.

He never sought earthly credentials and was unmoved by both praise and criticism. These things meant little if anything to him because he knew who he was, where he was from, why he was here and where he was going.

Nonetheless, his final demonstration of the origin of humanity was when he allowed himself to be crucified and laid in a grave. Then he left his physical body for three days before returning to it, healing it, and reanimating it. (see Romans 8:11) 

Open our eyes

He came to open our eyes and show us who we are and the kind of life we are meant to live while we’re in this physical realm. He said, “…he (those) that believes on me (trust me, adhere to what I say) the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.”

In another place he said that he had come to give us life and life more abundantly. He said he came to seek and to rescue those who were lost, off their path, wandering around with spiritual amnesia.

So, now that we’ve established that there are two realms of existence and that we are really spiritual beings having a physical experience, let’s look at how to get our memories back! What happens when that occurs?

I will discuss this in the next blog post.

 

Contentment with Godliness is Great Gain

/ Darlene Franklin-Campbell / Leave a comment

WHEN THE WORLD HAS THE WAY, WAR HORSES ARE RETIRED TO TILL THE FIELDS.

What if the whole planet walked in alignment with God? Perhaps, nations would turn their weapons into farming tools. There would be no one wanting to take what belongs to others.  Everyone would be willing to do their part and share what they have. Maybe it would be like the first century church. The members shared their wealth with each other.  (see Acts of the Apostles)

No one would feel the need to force other people to conform to their image of how life is supposed to be. That’s exactly what gives birth to wars, desires, wants, lusts, perceived needs and inequalities.

WHEN THE WORLD LACKS THE WAY, WAR HORSES ARE BRED IN THE COUNTRYSIDES.

Perhaps Jesus said it best, “The love of money (power, control over others, resources and circumstances) is the root of all evil.” It is this greed that causes nations’ leaders to invade other nations. Sometimes, greed leads to police states. Because some leaders have the ingrained belief that they need to be in control, to exalt themselves above the Way and manage to flow of the universe.

This loss of the Way happens on a global scale, but it also happens on a personal scale. In fact, if it didn’t happen on a personal scale first, it would never occur on a global scale. Everyone would follow Solomon’s advice in Proverbs, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

If you trust in the Lord with all your heart, your desires are not going to go against the Way.

THERE IS NO GREATER LOSS THAN LOSING THE TAO (the Way)….

In the New Testament those who have lost the way are referred to as “the lost,” which means they’ve gotten out of alignment with God’s will, the Way, and are living their lives in a state of resistance to it.

Jesus said, “I am the Way…” he was always in alignment with his Father’s will. Therefore, he was always walking in the way. The rest of us, not so much. The book of Romans says that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. Put into modern day English, “All of us get out of alignment with God’s will at times. We all err. We all get off the path.”

There is ONLY ONE STEP BACK

Maybe we get off for a second, maybe an hour, or a day or a week or a year or five years or even eighty-five years, but as soon as we realize we have strayed from the Way, it only takes a split second to get back to the Way.

Just as the father in the parable of the prodigal son saw him coming a long way off and ran to meet him, the second you realize you’re off your path and determine in your heart to get back on it, all the help of Heaven comes to meet you.

…AND THERE IS NO GREATER CURSE (avenue of destruction) THAN COVETOUSNESS.

I find these words to echo other words of wisdom, words God once wrote on the tablets of stone that Moses carried down from a mountain.

“Thou shalt not covet (the Hebrew word is chamad which means to desire, want, long for, take pleasure in, delight in, or find delectable) thy neighbor’s (another person’s) wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox (livestock), nor his ass (donkey), nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s (that legally belongs to or is attached to another person.)

After all these years, I finally understand why God said this to the Israelites. God wanted them to be free from the bondage of constantly striving to get more in this life. Always wanting what someone else has is a curse upon a person’s life in that traps you.

THERE IS NO GREATER TRAGEDY THAN DISCONTENTMENT.

I remember reading that old poem, “Two men looked out of prison bars, one saw mud. The other saw stars.”

I imagine both men went to bed in the same cell that night. One went to bed joyous that even though he was in prison, he had been given the gift of a window with which to see the stars and he was happy that he had been given the gift of the stars themselves. He may have been physically behind bars but when he stared at the sky, his spirit soared.

The other man went to bed angry and bitter because he had been cursed with a window out of which he could only see mud. He was both physically and mentally imprisoned. What made the difference? The way each chose to see.

There is no outside circumstance that can bring lasting contentment. No human relationship can fulfill the missing pieces in a person’s life. No amount of money can give you enough freedom to escape your fears of mortality. The curse of discontentment is that it is a bottomless pit that causes you to spend your whole life in pursuit of an elusive state of idealized perfection.

CONTENTMENT WITH GODLINESS

I’ve read that contentment with Godliness is great gain.

Well, what is Godliness anyway? I have come to believe that Godliness means choosing to do things God’s way.

And what is contentment? Does it mean to sit down and do nothing? No. It means that you let go of the need to control people’s choices, outcomes, and events and you learn to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit or as some people say, divine inspiration.

Following this divine inspiration may lead you down a career path or to an invention. It may lead to an investment or a relationship. Perhaps, it will lead you on a quest or the adventure of a lifetime. The possibilities are as endless as the universe itself.

WHERE THE WAY NEVER LEADS

However, the Way will NEVER lead you contrary to God’s nature. It will never lead you to trick, manipulate, coerce, lie, steal, cheat or commit violence. Nor will it lead you to do things for the purpose of impressing others or proving yourself smarter or more important than them. Why? Because these things are contrary to the Way.

Wayne Dyer says in his book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, that the experience of inner peace is the true gauge of accomplishment. I am learning to follow the gentle, internal nudging of the Spirit, of the Way. This nudge, peaceful inclination, is to act on inspired impulses rather than societal coercion or familial guilt-tripping. I’m allowing spiritual discernment to guide me. I am learning to be still inside, as Isaiah said, “To wait upon the Lord,” and to see things from an eagle’s eye viewpoint. An eagle sees a bigger, more objective picture. I want to make every decision, for the rest of my life, looking through the eyes of eternity.

THE WORST OF FAULTS IS WANTING MORE–ALWAYS. 

Hear the parable of the Mexican Fisherman. 

Fishermen

Fishermen going about their day.

“An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tunas. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

“Only a little while,” the Mexican replied.

“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” the American asked.

“I got enough to support my family’s immediate needs,” the Mexican replied.

“But what do you do with the rest of your time?” the American asked.

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”

“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”

“Millions – then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…

–CONTENTMENT ALONE IS ENOUGH.

Just Passing Through

I’m just visiting this place.

As the Apostle Paul once said, “Be content with such things as you have.” and as Lao Tzu said, “The bliss of all eternity can be found in your contentment.”

As I sit here this morning, I look around me. There’s a kitten curled up on a patio chair.  Flowers bloom beside the porch and a breeze stirs the walnut trees. The sky above is rich and blue with fluffy white clouds and there are birds singing, unaware of the world of man. I get to feel the warm sun on my face and smell the leftover scent of a skunk that wandered thru here last night. It’s all transitory.

I’m like that skunk, just passing thru, experiencing the nuances of this physical world, but I am a spirit being–content to follow my heavenly GPS and experience the life it leads me to. I pray, “Father, help me to remember that the greatest joy is found in being content, content to walk in the Way.”