I’m teaching about ships this week and guiding students in drawing them. Therefore, my mind is own ships and sailing.
Just as sailors never know exactly what they will encounter when they set out on the ocean, we don’t know what we will encounter in our lives here on earth.
When the winds are right, the sailing is smooth.
If a ship’s captain did not have a destination in mind, make decisions in moments of clarity and know how to interpret the elements or know how to use his/her navigational equipment, the outcome could be devastating.
Your Ship, Your Life
Ships depended on the winds and currents for sailing.
Imagine your life is a ship, one that depends on wind and sails.
The launching point is when you are born into this world and the docking point is when you leave it. Therefore, the time in between launching and docking is your journey.
There are other boats on the sea, other lives, but they’re not your boats. You are not meant to control their journeys or their destinations. You’re only responsibility is your boat.
External Forces
Forces are things outside us like storms at sea.
As you sail on your journey there are environmental forces all around you, winds, waves, currents, sharks, whales, pirates, gales, hurricanes, rain, heat, and cold. You get the picture. These forces are outside of you. They are beyond your control. They will hit your ship at times.
Effort
You can’t do anything about the external environment around your ship. You can’t control the wind, the storms, the currents or the waves, but you can lay in your course, and you can hold true to your map and navigational instruments.
That part of your journey IS in your control. It’s the effort guided by intuitive inspiration. Remember, inspiration comes from the Latin word “inspirare” which means, breathed into.
Efforts are the things that are under your control. For example, on your boat, effort is how taut you hold the sail, whether you come about, or which side of the boat the sail is going to be on as you navigate the winds.
How we hold our rudders and stay our course is due to effort.
It’s up to you to hold the rudder a certain way so that both the currents and the winds affect your journey. It’s up to you to be attuned to the elements of the sea, signs and subtle changes.
A good sailor knows how to optimize the direction of the wind, the flow of the currents and the aspects of his/her boat and put these things together in a way that takes him or her where they want to go.
Favorable winds are God’s grace, and they can propel us forward if we are sensitive to them and their timing.
You can live your life divinely guided, inspired and with purpose.
Set the Destination with Clarity
What do I mean when I say purpose?
I mean living a life that propels you to becoming the highest version of yourself, a life that fills you with inner peace, contentment, and joy, that allows you to use your unique skills, talents, vision, and voice to impact the world around you in a positive way. For each person this will be different.
You have to decide what kind of person you want to be. What do you want your life to be about? Your guidance system? When you set your course, do it in moments of clarity. When there is confusion and turmoil, don’t lay in a course.
Old time sailors used to set their courses by the stars. If you don’t have a guiding star, a pole star, you will not be able to keep your course. You will be blown off every time the wind changes directions.
In life, it’s the same way. If you have no idea what your guidelines are, the kind of life you want to live, where your boundaries lie, or the kind of person you want to be, there’s a good chance that the winds are going to blow you all over the place and that pirates, thieves from other ships, are going to overrun your life, hijack you and take you places you never really wanted to go. Then one day you wake up in a holding cell on somebody else’s ship.
If You Don’t Set Your Intentions, Someone Else Will Call the Shots for Your Life
Stay the Course
Sometimes the sailing will be smooth and easy. The winds will be favorable, and the currents will carry you toward your destination. For every wind that blows and for every weather pattern and ocean current there is an optimal way to sail toward your destination.
There are other times when the wind will lay or else it’s blowing you in the wrong direction, away from where you want to go, away from who you want to be. You may even encounter a horrendous storm.
Your best bet at times like these may be to lower the sails and stay put until you are certain you’re moving in the way you want to ultimately go. Even a good wind, if it’s blowing in the wrong direction can take you off course. Sometimes, in our lives, in moments of enthusiasm or confusion, we follow every wind that blows and end up nowhere at all.
So, if the clarity is not there, wait it out. Just do the best you can with the understanding that you have. When you seek clarity, even if you’re standing still, you’re still moving in the right direction because you’re not going off course.
There will come times when new clarity comes to you and helps you make course adjustments and hone your direction. That’s fine. It’s okay to change course in the light of clearer understanding.
There will come times when other people may want you to make a quick decision that has a big impact on your life. If you’re not clear on it, if you don’t have peace about it, it’s okay to just wait. Remember, their boat is not your boat, and you are only responsible for your boat. Your purpose in life is not to make everyone else happy.
That’s an impossibility. Because happiness can only come from within and since you are an external force in their lives, you have no control over their ships and they have no control over yours, unless you surrender it. If you surrender your ship to invaders, even benevolent ones, you will never reach your destination and become the self-actualized version of yourself.
So, seek clarity and once you find it, plot your destination, set your intention, make adjustments in light of new clarity, stay the course and sail toward your purpose, your calling.
It’s a person you love, a spouse, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a parent, a child. Maybe it’s a sibling, an in-law, an aunt or an uncle. It could be a grandparent, a friend or a co-worker. It could even be your pastor or a community leader.
But something is “off.”
And you just can’t explain it or put your finger on it. Your relationship with them keeps you second-guessing yourself.
You feel confused and disoriented.
Additionally, you feel threatened and on-edge. You may even feel the urge to flee from them. And maybe, you feel like you’re losing “yourself” around them.
You MAY LASH OUT
Sometimes, you might even lash out in ways that are not normal for you. They take your lashing out as a chance to embrace you back into the fold and help you figure out “what’s wrong with you.”
Other times, they may berate you.
Either way, they come across as stable and you seem neurotic.
YOU FEEL ISOLATED.
Maybe, even though they tell you that they’re not trying to separate you from others that you love, you feel like they are. You sense that they want your relationships with others to be on “their” terms.
Gaslighters minimize and/or dismiss your opinions. They have a gift for bursting your bubbles and downplaying your ideas.
What’s more, they want “intimacy,” possibly wanting you to share your “feelings” with them and to know “everything” about you. They want you to be enamored with them and to know that they’re the most important person in your life.
In addition, they might let you know that without them you will never succeed, be complete, live up to your potential, etc.
And you feel like you’re never quite “good enough” around them.
You find yourself apologizing for your preferences or over-explaining yourself.
…If the preceding words resonate with you, then you may be the victim of GASLIGHTING.
BUT WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?
The term “gaslight” comes from a play that was made into a movie in 1940 and then again in 1944. The premises of the script is that a psychopathic killer slowly and methodically tries to convince his wife that she is insane so that he can have her committed to a mental institution, inherit her wealth and cover up the fact that she found a letter evidencing his criminal activity.
According to Psychology Today,“Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.”
ORIGINS OF GASLIGHTERS
Gaslighting is a favorite tool of people with narcissistic traits, narcissistic personality disorder, psychopaths and sociopaths. Of course, not everyone who engages in gaslighting falls into the above categories.
Some people are unaware that they are gaslighters. They may have grown up in a gaslighting family, learning to gaslight and manipulate just like they learned to walk and talk. It comes as natural to these folks as breathing. Or they may have married into a gaslighting family and allowed it to continue until it became their go-to state of being, which means any children they raise will be reared in a gaslighting environment.
However, OTHERS know exactly what they’re doing.
They may have gaslit their entire lives, getting what they want from people by studying them, recognizing their paths of trajectory then manipulating them with subtle and well-placed words. Gaslighters will applaud themselves for being “honest” and demand “honesty” from you, especially “emotional honesty” but they themselves, while “honest” may actually be quite deceptive, using their emotional “honesty” as another tool in their arsenal. They can appear to be vulnerable when it’s for the purpose of shaping your emotional reaction in their favor.
THE ORIGINAL GASLILGHTER
Regardless of whether it’s on purpose or a natural extension of their personality, gaslighting is harmful. In fact, the first incident of gaslighting that I can think of is recorded in Genesis 3:2-4
2And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
Just as the serpent wanted to alter Eve’s perception of reality and make her doubt what God had originally told her, gaslighters want to alter your perception of reality. Gaslighting is witchcraft in its purest form, attempting to not only manipulate you into doing what the gaslighter wants, but it literally alters the way you view reality. It seeks to subjugate you to domination.”
Even Jesus faced a gaslighter when he was tempted in the wilderness. He’re an account from Luke 4.
3And the devil said unto him, If thou be the Son of God, command this stone that it be made bread. 4And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God. 5And the devil, taking him up into an high mountain, shewed unto him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time.6And the devil said unto him, All this power will I give thee, and the glory of them: for that is delivered unto me; and to whomsoever I will I give it. 7If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine.
WHAT DO THEY GAIN FROM IT?
According to Shaneen Megji and all the books I’ve recently read on the subject, they do it for the following reasons:
To gain power &/or control. Why? Because, maybe, at some point in their lives, they felt powerless and when they first got that taste of power, it fed them!
Make you dependent upon them.
Isolate you from people who might sway you over to another reality whether that be your family, your church, your friends, etc.
All of them do it because they want to control your thoughts, actions and version of reality for the purpose of reinforcing their own version of reality.
Whether intentional or not, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and it leaves a mark on its victims. Here are some tactics that gaslighters use.
Angels of Light
-Gaslighters may often appear to be altruistic to the public. If they are financially able, they may even be philanthropists, giving to be recognized as “good” people. Doing good deeds with no recognition or grandiosity at all does not usually appeal to them. It’s possible that a gaslighter may be a prominent citizen and be “adored” by the public. They may come across as charming, polite, respectful, and fun. Whatever the case, they present one face to the world and when their victims try to speak out, no one believes them.
Masking-
-Gaslighters often wear a mask of confidence or even compassion (it’s fake compassion) to make you realize that you’ve go it all wrong or that they simply have “your best interest at heart.” They know what’s best for you. You might end up apologizing, admiring them and doubting your own grip on reality. They want you to trust them and follow their lead on all the “big” things in life, but guess who decides what’s a “big” thing?
Gathering Intel.
Gaslighters want to know what makes you tick. They intuitively feel the urge to find out as much as they can about you emotionally and psychologically. These folks want to know what pleases you physically, emotionally and mentally. They may need this for future ammunition.
CHANGING THE SUBJECT.
The gaslighter will sometimes get you off track by posing a question to you or simply changing the subject and getting you off track. He or she may even bring up another subject accusing you of something and turning the tables so that you are the attacker, and they appear to be the victim! They may convince you that you have a problem. Maybe a personality disorder or they might even convince you that you’re a covert narcissist or that you have an anxiety disorder, an attachment style disorder or any number of things.
Minimizing.
Gaslighters may brush your insights, ideas and concerns off as insignificant, which leaves you feeling foolish for bringing them up in the first place. It’s not uncommon for them to ignore your boundaries or pretend that you weren’t plain when you set them. They may even tell you to set boundaries and want you to enforce them with others but when you try to enforce them with the gaslighter, he or she will explain them away. Often a gaslighter will sweep your emotions under the rug or say that you aren’t really feeling what you say you’re feeling or that you never said what you claim to have said.
Denial, twisting, dismissing and reframing.
Gaslighters will subtly (the better they are at it, the more subtle their twisting) twist and reframe whatever is said or done into their favor, often painting themselves as the victim and you as the toxic person. They will usually steer a conversation in their favor and if they do own up to anything, it’s only to get you to trust them and confide in them even more. When this is compared with fake empathy or fake compassion, it can make you feel as if you’re being irrational, and you may begin to question your own emotional or mental stability.
If you’re experiencing the things discussed in this article, take heed. Gaslighters don’t get better. The pit they put you in just gets deeper.
Listen to your gut.
If you have a feeling that something is “off” in a relationship, even if you can’t explain it, and you probably won’t be able to, don’t ignore it.
Trust your own powers of observation and intellect.
Don’t let anyone discredit you or make you feel inferior. Your ideas and observations are valid.
Confide in an objective friend.
Find someone who doesn’t have a proverbial dog in the fight. Someone like a counselor, a family member, a pastor, a friend, someone you can trust who will help you see more clearly, or better yet….
Gather a team.
Depending on the nature of the relationship (isit a coworker? friend? spouse? etc.) and the perpetual proximity to the gaslighter (do you live with them or simply have to encounter them occassionally?) chances are you will need help getting free of their influence. So, finding a core group of supporters is important.
Take notes.
Seriously, document conversations, but don’t let them know you’re doing it. Then show the documentation to that trusted person or group of people you are confiding in to verify your observations. Don’t confront your gaslighter.
Guard your heart and limit emotional access.
In her book Good Boundaries and Good-byes, Lysa Terkurst speaks of limiting access to people who perpetually cross your boundaries. It’s okay NOT to share your innermost feelings with them. The gaslighter needs to know that he or she is getting under your skin. That’s why they gather intel on you.
Lead them down a false trail.
I know that sounds manipulative but if your gaslighter thinks they have your number, yet they’re a mile off track, it gives you time to gather your wits and fortify your emotional forces.
Get help from a therapist.
This will help you know you’re not insane. You’re not imagining things.
If you leave a relationship, break contact and don’t give in to love bombing or hoovering. (To learn more about this check out Dr. Ramini’s video channel, referenced below), whenever possible, GET OUT of the relationship as fast as you can.
LET FREEDOM REIGN
When you break free from their grip you will at first feel a tremendous relief. Then comes the looking over your shoulder, always afraid they’re going to show up and reel you back in.
So, even though you’re physically free, their words will haunt your mind. Therefore, you will continue to need your support group, your therapist, your friends, your family. You have been on a roller coaster ride of emotional and mental trauma. Realize that healing takes time, and you have to allow yourself to heal.
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Here are the references I used in this post, and I recommend these books and sights for anyone struggling to set and maintain boundaries with a gaslighter.
I’m sitting here early on a Sunday morning, sipping coffee at the kitchen table, listening to two of my favorite sounds, the clicking clock and the humming fridge. Outside it’s been drizzling rain. I take pleasure in slow rain. It brings me a sense of calm, like the ticking clock and humming fridge.
I think about my life and smile. Lately, I’ve experienced a life-altering moment of profound clarity. Every action that I’ve taken in the days since then have been because of that life-altering moment, a moment that changed my entire outlook on myself and on my life. I call this moment, the Quickening.
I take the word quickening from Romans 8:11 where the apostle, Paul, uses the Greek word, zoopoieo (quickening) to refer to the way the spirit of God makes a person “alive.” So, to quicken something is to make it fully alive.
The last time that happened, I was thirteen. Can a person have more than one life-altering moment, more than one moment of coming to life, more than one awakening? more than one quickening?
I believe they can.
A quickening moment is best described as an awakening. We all wake up every day in the natural, so too, we can re-awaken in the spiritual sense. We may need to re-awaken because we allowed ourselves to be lulled to sleep.
Some people wake up in an instant and spring into their day. Others wake up slowly and go through a morning ritual of sorts before they’re truly alert. Well, spiritually, it’s the same way. However, it happens for you, a quickening moment is a spiritual awakening that shifts the entire meaning of your life and outlook on everything and everyone. It’s a moment when you wake up and are “born again.”
TWO REALITIES
There are Two Realities
There are two realms of existence.
We will call one realm the physical realm and the other realm the spiritual realm, (Kingdom (realm) of God (Supreme Magistrate, Divinity). We could even say that there is God’s reality and physical reality.
The spiritual realm has no starting point and no stopping point. The laws of physics do not apply to this realm. They apply to physical reality. The physical reality is inferior to the spiritual reality in that it is temporary and subject to the laws of thermodynamics.
The laws of the spirit realm operate on principles of a particular kind of energy and that energy is the creative force behind all that exists in the physical realm.
That energy is God, love, the source of all.
The physical realm is like parentheses in eternity. The beginning and ending parentheses are time. Or we could think of the physical realm as a bubble floating in the vast expanse of the spirit realm. The spirit realm is so much more expansive that everything inside the bubble is minute in comparison.
Now beings from the spiritual realm can take on a carnal, physical form and enter the physical realm for a time. While they’re there they experience what it means to be finite, to have a beginning and an ending.
So often these beings come into the physical realm and experience trauma, hardship, and pain, because they forget who they are and, just like Adam and Eve in the garden, they believe a temporal lie that enslaves them while they’re here.
ONE SPECIAL BEING
However, there was one particularly unique being from the spirit realm who came with all of his memories and awareness of his true origins still intact. This being defied the laws of physics at every turn, starting with his birth. He was born to a virgin. He walked on water. He raised the dead, healed the sick and confounded the most brilliant and highly educated minds of his day.
He never sought earthly credentials and was unmoved by both praise and criticism. These things meant little if anything to him because he knew who he was, where he was from, why he was here and where he was going.
Nonetheless, his final demonstration of the origin of humanity was when he allowed himself to be crucified and laid in a grave. Then he left his physical body for three days before returning to it, healing it, and reanimating it. (see Romans 8:11)
He came to open our eyes and show us who we are and the kind of life we are meant to live while we’re in this physical realm. He said, “…he (those) that believes on me (trust me, adhere to what I say) the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.”
In another place he said that he had come to give us life and life more abundantly. He said he came to seek and to rescue those who were lost, off their path, wandering around with spiritual amnesia.
So, now that we’ve established that there are two realms of existence and that we are really spiritual beings having a physical experience, let’s look at how to get our memories back! What happens when that occurs?
